The Theory of Love

Nostalgia

2009-11-19T21:48:00.000-08:00

Before I start I want to tell a joke I found...hehe

I just had an argument with a girl I know. She was saying how it's unfair that if a guy screws a different girl every week, he's a legend, but if a girl screws just two guys in a year, she's a slut. So in response I told her that if a key opens lots of locks, then it's a master key. But if a lock is opened by lots of keys, then it's a shitty lock.

Haha that made me laugh :D

Anyways, I haven't written anything in a while. I had a day to rest up, I am relatively happy now, but yesterday I was near dead. Yeah...I kinda felt all of the stress I had and then I found out that I had food poisoning and started feeling very bad, nauseated even. So yea....stress + vomit = baaaaaad night :D

I will allude to "The Office" because its one of my favorite shows and it had a wonderful ending to an episode I want to share with you. In case you're wondering, it does have to do with love xD

So Jim had a horrible day, he was bothered by his boss, and he lost a deal that earns him about half of his salary every year. He was devastated. So he's explaining his day and then his coworker comes to talk about her day, too. He has a crush on her, but she doesn't know. So Pam (the girl) is talking and she says, oh I'm so tired, and she silently falls asleep on Jim's shoulder. He smiles. Later they take Jim's interview and he says "So yeah, today was a good day"

Simple things like affection, or just compassion can make someone's day. It's amazing of how someone you love can really change you. Of course, there is a myth that you can't change guys, but I think that's not true. Guys, boyfriends, husbands can change if they truly love. You girls out there just have to show love.

I wish I was younger. That's such a lame thing to say at a mere 17, but I still do. Even 2-3 years ago I was shy, yet smart. School was easy and I was having fun. I had crushes, even in middle school. In fact I was a math-whiz in middle school and I also did a little programming on my calculator. So I was looking through my calculator junk recently and found something I wrote when I had a crush in middle school. I think that's when my roots of romanticism have grown from. But yes, there was barely homework, then there was freshman year, which was so...idk how to describe it.

Everything connects to math for me hehe - I was on math team in middle school, the coach was a math teacher I LOVED! She is my all time favorite teacher, anyways, when I went to high school I went to math team too. I remember how shy I was....I remember the people I met.....I remember having a crush once more...first kiss. Hah math and love is a perfect combination :D

Hah but I didn't have so much stress...and pain...I was just a happy little freshman enjoying life. I was a nerd haha....now I let go of that...I hate myself for doing that.

I remember I was a little pudgy as a kid. I was the captain of my soccer team, and I actually could play well...then yea....so I was pudgy. I got older and naturally started feeling insecure about my body. Honestly, now when I look at myself in the mirror, after working out and running mucho, I actually like the way I look. Believe me, I can be very self-conscious, but at least I am heading in the right direction lol

I will end my pointless rant here. I do wonder who actually reads this crap I write...I guess I'll never know :D

Lalalalala

2009-11-13T23:00:00.001-08:00

Friday 13...I looked on here and saw that I had 13 posts...plus I spilled salt hehe...Just like Justy said, I will die in 13 minutes haha...yes well it is past midnight, and I have time to waste...
Of course I could be doing homework....but who does homework on a Friday?
Wait...technically its Saturday...omg...too many loopholes to my statements :D

Anyways, first thing I want to know is who is reading my blog...
I'm just curious if someone had found it...or just know about it, be nice and leave a comment with your Social security number and Credit card number...lol no really just leave a comment and say oh I'm reading this junk that you're writing :D

Thankies readers!

Sleepy...tired...sad....horrible combination. I don't know what to call this mood, its like I can crack jokes and have fun but I know that inside I'm grieving about something...not very pleasant...
What's more unpleasant is being in a horrible mood and acting like everything is alright, being all cheery and stuff...oh I should get an award for the most time doing that lol

I wonder if anyone will ever create a formula for love. I'll go as far as say mathematical formula, combining both of my passions lol, it will end the search for a loved one....but I would not approve...why is that you ask...

You often hear people say, its not the result, its the process, the participation, well love follows the same guideline. The beauty of it is that the most enjoyable process is finding who you love and spending time with her....a result, as I interpret it, is getting married and settling down, but this special "participation" time is oh so worth it...

The search for this person could be considered as training before a game, you train for a long time and you are tired and grumpy after the practice....but then when its your turn to shine, you will give it all you got...and hopefully win....

I am a hypocrite...I say so many things in this blog, so many analogies, so many positive aspects of love, but in essence, I can only concentrate on the negatives....

Maybe some day I could write the positive comments sincerely....don't get me wrong...I know that I will find someone...at least get close to it, but I often deny that thought....just to keep myself sad....

There are so many worse things I can do then being just sad....so sadness keeps me relatively sane...it holds me back when I'm on the brink of insanity....or when I'm going insane and on the brink of plain old stupidity :D

A tip to the lucky lovers out there. Treasure that time...you do not know how truly lucky you are....make the most out of your relationship, and when the most is not enough, you can always give me a call and we'll trade girlfriends :D lmao I'm just kidding...but I'm pretty sure I caught you off guard on that one xD

Love is a weird thing...it can fill your heart with happiness and it can also pierce it with deception and pain....

Friends

2009-11-10T21:36:00.000-08:00

I want to dedicate this entry to all of my close friends because lately I have been very pessimistic and I want to redeem myself.
I am very lucky to have my friends, I don't really know why they have befriended me in the first place lol, but I am very thankful that they are still here with me.

First of all, I just want you to know, when I am in a bad mood please don't take what I say seriously..I can say I hate the world or something....it's just how I feel, and if I ever offend anyone by saying that...just disregard it. I can't imagine spending a day without talking to you guys, or without being constantly reminded of how great you guys are. I am truly lucky to be accepted by you, especially with the fact that I am "different"...lol yes I know it might be embarrassing sometimes to be around me, but you know I care too much for all of you guys to ever make it uncomfortable.

Also I want to point out this. As you may know both my exes are also my best friends. Both of them have boyfriends who they are happy with. I wanna say that I fully support both of you and I couldn't be more happy for you.

(I don't like to say names online so I'll abbreviate)

Justy I want to tell you that his life has changed since he met you, and I don't even have to say anything about his love for you because he can beautifully say it in his own words. I am extremely happy that you found him and I think he is a great guy for you. I know it'll take some patience and time until you two can fully enjoy your relationship, but I promise you it will be the best feeling in the world when you do. I'm happy that there is a guy in your life who actually makes sense and gives you wonderful advice lol...and I know you've been wanting that for a while. Don't worry about your troubles, because now you have someone who can make you feel better even when you are depressed.

Yan, I have no idea where you found your hunk o man but he is the best there is, do not let go of him. He is the guy you've been wishing for your whole life, and I think that you two are prefect for each other. I can't stress enough how you are finally happy because of him, please keep it that way. Looking at you two I always think of how two people who came from completely different backgrounds can create such harmony with each other...it amazes me. At the same time I would like to say that the way you started this relationship, that is the way it should be, write to each other, buy gifts for each other, but don't let go of each other. Addressed to Mr Boyfriend: Don't stop writing to her, don't stop anything you're doing. I am very happy that she met you and I hope we can get along in the future, because if she loves you, I love you too (It's not as gay as it sounds)

To all of the people that I have not mentioned...I do care for you, more than you would think. Without you guys I'd be nothing. I have abstained from saying this but I think I could make an exception for now. I love you guys. You make my world go round.

Yelling

2009-11-09T15:57:00.000-08:00

I am fed up with everyone today.
What bothers me the most is that I had a horrible day with a horrible ending and no one really gave a shit. I hate that....it just hurts....

I love an anecdote that I have heard recently...it captures the essence of my life...

A man comes to a psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, you've got to help me, I'm lonely, sad, and I don't know why I should keep on living....I am miserable"
Doctor says, "You shouldn't be that pessimistic, instead of being miserable you should do something good for yourself. There is a circus that came to our city, they have a famous clown named Rimaldi, maybe you should see him to make you feel better"
The man says, "Doctor....I am Rimaldi"

I can't stress enough how I need someone by my side...someone who cares not about themselves, but about me. If I shave once in a while, she should notice....feel my smooth skin and give me a kiss....but there is no she. If I shave, no one would notice, and if they did, no one would care. If I get a haircut....no one would care. I need someone in my life who cares for minuscule things about me, so I know that all the time and effort I give in order to love is not wasted.

It also angers me how some people can wholly relinquish their dreams for someone they love. I have no problem with people doing that, but sometimes the love is not everlasting, and to sacrifice so much for someone you love, you have to make sure it will last.

Maybe its just me but if I have a girlfriend and she had to decide between a career or me...I would say what are you waiting for...go pursue your career, I won't stop loving you, I would love you even more. I shouldn't be standing in the way of your life, I should be supporting and helping it.

If I was in that position....I don't know...I do know that I am a very independent person and that to live and study alone for me is not hard. It would just make the moments with my loved one so much better. True love means that you can still hold up a relationship when you are miles apart....even though it is not that pleasurable, it is tolerable. I know perfectly good relationships that last via phone or IMs....

But what do I know...I'm just a miserable, single guy....I don't love, and I am not loved, so what would I know about love....

Realization and my perfect girl

2009-11-07T22:22:00.001-08:00

Ha I've realized something interesting when I was writing the last blog. Even though I am giving advice to help, I am also holding back some of the best ideas I have. Why you ask? Well I want to keep them to myself. I have various fantasies, romantic fantasies about dates and such and I think that if I do voice them, my future girlfriend will look at this blog, read it and it wouldn't be a surprise when I realize the fantasies that I have planned for her. I am paranoid that way. The ironic thing is that almost no one reads this blog...so I am paranoid without a feasible motive.But yes, if you are wondering, I do have many more wonderful ideas of say, how to spend a date, tips on what to do, tips of great dates....I just want those to remain a surprise....for a very special lady, who I would have the honor to say I love you too...

This time I will pull the camera on myself, with the fact that I am single, I want to mention some things that I look for in a girl. Not for dating purposes, I mean this isn't eHarmony or something hehe, just for myself. What I think is the most important trait in a girl is the sense of humor. I am a very humor oriented person, but if I am the only one cracking the jokes, I will feel bored....I need someone who can cheer me up, who can make me laugh unlike anyone else. Also, I want this girl to be able to hold a conversation, to start a conversation...just to be able to talk to me without me trying to ad lib to keep the conversation afloat.

Physical appearance...I don't really have a preference...I do have some pointers. I would love a girl shorter than me. Here comes the sexist part lol. I think that even though in the relationship both the woman and the man hold and equal share of the bond, as in no one is "in charge", I know perfectly the bounds of the male ego and I know that he has to feel "manly" in the relationship. He has to feel some kind of an advantage. Not to piss you off ladies, but yes, I would like to be taller. Honestly I feel really emasculated and kinda awkward when I meet a girl who is taller...hmm...other physical aspects...I really have no preference about hair color per say, but I do think that brown/brunette is the best. Black for me is dark....blond is kinda stupid no offense lol, red is meh....i prefer brunettes :D For the rest of the figure, all I can say is to keep yourself healthy yet a girl who pays attention to her appearance.

This magical girl should also be able to get her face dirty...not the typical girly girl who can't play volleyball because she would break a nail, the girl who would play competitive volleyball, beat me, and then kiss me and ask me where we're going for lunch...a girl who wrestles me down and then hugs me...a girl who isn't afraid of sports, or such. I do want her to have some kind of weakness, some kind of fear, say spiders, so I can "feel like a man" and help her. "Eep! a mouse!...Don't worry! I'm here to save you! *tan ta da DAAN*"

Yep something like that. I also want a girl who loves surprises, both giving and receiving. Knowing me, I will have a lot of surprises in hold for my loved one, and I would want her to surprise me. I love surprises! :D

This girl should also condone physical contact. No not sex,just holding hands, hugging, kissing, sitting in my lap....being close to me, not only emotionally but physically. I was at a movie theater recently and one of my friends and I shared an armrest. We were sitting shoulder to shoulder, and I could feel her laughing when she did, not only hear, but feel her shoulder slightly twitching up and down. I want to be able to hold my love in my arms and FEEL her laugh.

I would also love her to have little flaws I can playfully make fun of, and her to be able to do the same. To treat those flaws as if they're the most adorable thing, and be able to crack a joke about them.

Finally I would love a girl who can make a compromise. If I want to do something and she something else, we must be able to reach a middle ground. I wouldn't want to get rid of my opinion but I don't want to accept hers if I don't think its right. Compromises are key.

Where are you my perfect girl? I can't wait to hold you in my arms!

A bunch of advice xD

2009-11-06T19:15:00.000-08:00

I just watched Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince, pretty good movie...there are a lot of like relationship scenes, they're really sweet...
What I always wonder is when the characters say crush on someone, and throughout the movie there are apparent evidence of that, CANT THAT PERSON GET A FRIGGIN HINT? lol
The girl is frigin mad that you went to the ball with someone else...is that jealousy? I think yes! Ha it's just a paradox I thought I needed to address.

Ok on to the lesson of the day...I can't stress enough - communication is key. Be closer to your partner, share intimate details, make them feel involved in your every day life. The more you share, the more you get back...the more you get back the more chemistry there is between you two. Sometimes instead of say a make out session you just need to talk. Yes it is that easy....just talk.
I personally have a fear that I can't hold up a conversation, that's why I like people who are relatively talkative, not excessively, but enough to hold a decent conversation, because at the thought of an awkward silences I cringe hehe

Also, there are no couples without conflicts, I know you always try to avoid them, but one of the most evident factors that define a strong relationship is the ability to bounce back, to forgive. These conflicts, these arguments only make you stronger. Lets face it, if you want to marry someone and expect that you will never have a disagreement with that person you are very very wrong.

A strong relationship is being able to forgive and forget, to love the person for all of their little perks and flaws, and appreciate them. These little flaws are the beauty of life....

SURPRISE YOUR LOVER! Spontaneity is the beauty of life. Instead of going to the movies, make a sudden stop in a park, get a basket of veggies and have a picnic! Remember, the most romantic places are in nature, you can pay thousands for some romantic hotel room, but the real love happens under the sun, among the beautiful landscapes. You can be in the middle of nowhere, but if its with someone you love, you will never feel lost, or lonely....you will just enjoy the beauty of nature and the beauty of her.

2009-11-04T14:59:00.001-08:00

Have you ever had see something that you don't want to see....but are still curious to just glance at?
Oh how I hate that....right now, as I am very pessimistic about love, I hate seeing couples happy. For my whole life I have always been happy for anyone, couples especially, now when I walk by a couple in a hallway or even see one on TV, I shudder....and it hurts me deeply. Now as I look through photos, from the corner of my eye I spot a couple on the picture, and even though I know I shouldn't look at it, I do....and it kills me.

I have always said that when I get married, or even have a girlfriend, if she loves someone else, I would let her go. That I just want her to be happy and if she needs someone else for it, then so be it. I have always said that....but to know that she loves someone else inflicts much more pain than not knowing at all.....my whole life....

I have too many daydreams and dreams about love....way too many..

Hmm you know what I really want? I want someone to notice me. Yes, it seems pretty selfish to ask for attention....and frankly it seems like I am a woman who wants men to notice her...
If I get a haircut, if I have a visible and even an invisible change in me, there is no one who can notice it....I mean yes, visible changes are noticed, but if I, say, shave, something that is pretty hard to notice only because I shave frequently, if someone could notice that little detail, someone could greet me in the morning with a huge hug, someone who runs up behind to greet me, someone who is happy to see me, not to tell jokes, but to be with me. Someone who thinks I'm important and actually gives a shitake about me. That's what I want.
Frankly if I was sick for one day, or if I didn't come to school, people would say oh he's sick, bummer...and that's all. No one will really give a shitake that I'm gone, they would just recognize the fact, but wouldn't care....
I just wish I was important to someone.

Regretful reflection - Very pessimistic....not pleasant

2009-11-02T22:00:00.000-08:00

I want to break my promise to not do emo/pessimistic entries, just this once.

I have always told everyone that they should never regret....but I'm a hypocrite, I always regret myself. Today I let it get the best of me. I was talking to one of my friends online, and she started a new blog. After I added her to my followers the site led me back to my "dashboard" which I never use....and I totally forgot that I used to follow another blog....
The author of this blog decided to delete all of her entries to start with a clean sheet, which I think was a good idea, although I did regret the decision because I remember several good entries, fun ones....
Well, my "dashboard" thing suddenly showed me all of those entries...and I laughed as I read one of the latest ones...they were sweet ones, good ones. She is a very good writer....
And I was randomly looking through the entries and I found one. One that killed me....and I felt the most regret I ever did.
It was an entry about how lonely she was, how she wanted someone to hold her, to kiss her, someone to love her.
I clearly remember sitting in the yearbook room. doing my work, and then to read the blog...I was excited to see what she wrote, because I always loved her entries...and I sat there and I read it...and I told myself, things shouldn't be like that. She shouldn't be lonely...I should be the guy holding her, I should be the guy kissing her, I should be the guy loving her....
And I told myself, this is my chance to change her life, I promised myself that I will make her happy, that I will try to do everything I can...and that she will be with me. I knew that she could be happy with me. I knew that I could be happy with her. I was sitting in that chair and I had only one thought running through my mind, I need her. I can make her happy. I can be that guy she always wanted....

The period was over and I ran off to greet her....Telling myself, make the move you idiot....

And as I was walking I thought...how can she possibly be happy with me....and I told myself, I shouldn't be with her....that it would just deprive her of love....

All of that from one post....all of that from her words of loneliness....
Now I regret that I have ever doubted myself...that I didn't do anything...Even if nothing happened I would have known that I tried, that it was not meant to be.

But I am left wondering now. Wondering what could have been.

And I regret that I ever let her go. I was such an idiot. It always comes back to this thought....

I'm writing this to put all my thoughts to paper...because I never made a confession like this...that entry she wrote....it just pierced my heart...
She was in my position, the same position I am in right now...lonely, hopeless, heartbroken. And I could have mended the pieced of that heart....

She has a blog of her own now....a new one....I always wonder what she writes there...I cannot look...I can't...I looked once and I couldn't take it, I couldn't read about how she is in love with him....I stopped in the middle of the post and I closed it...and I told myself once again that I don't want to look at that blog...It'll just make me feel worse. I wonder what she writes about. But the sad truth is that I know that she doesn't write about me.

Crisp View

2009-11-02T16:02:00.000-08:00

It's 5 PM. The street is completely dark, I was almost surprised to see such a dim lighting at such an early hour, but it is November...The sky is dark blue, a rich and vivid color, and at the horizon it stoops down to an orange glimmer, a beautiful gradient at the end of the sky. A full moon shines upon an unsuspecting neighborhood, a full moon I have also seen yesterday, I wonder if Halloween has something to do with it lol. Amidst the dark blue sky I easily spotted on bright star, the only visible star from an array of billions obscured from view. Such a beautiful sky. This is the sky meant for romance, I bet many romantic couples are enjoying wine, or just laying under the stars. I think that many are taking advantage of this sky. This sky is beautiful as the love in each of us, as the passionate feelings we hold for each other. Next time you see your loved one, share this with him or her, share the beauty of love and enjoy this type of majestic offspring of our universe. Love is omnipresent, always have hope and know that there is always love for everyone.
Have a great day!

Hmmmm

2009-11-01T22:27:00.001-08:00

I'm in a very emo mood right now. What's funny is that I realized that only when I decided to write a poem about love, like a real one describing how love is awesome and all of those great things. And I started it, and I stopped after the first stanza....and I honestly tried to start the stanza about 10 times....I mean it happens often to me, but not 10 times....So I wondered why can't I do this, and all of the emo and pessimistic thoughts came back to me. Hah.

I am a very romantic person, I often describe myself as a hopeless romantic, and Love is my passion. I do, however, catch myself thinking is love worth it. Is love worth all of the suffering it can put you through. Yes it is. You can die for someone you love, people have gone so far. Love is pure. Suffering is just a step. You can't enjoy peace without war, you have to see both sides. Without suffering from love you can never enjoy it. But I only wish that I would enjoy it more than I grieve from it....

Religion and Sexism

2009-11-01T10:36:00.000-08:00

Today I will write about something other than love. I just think that sharing this or even putting this to text will make me feel better. I was just watching a TV special about a legendary Russian actor Saveliy Kramarov. I don’t know if you’ve ever heard of him, but he is one of the most famous Russian actors of all time. This movie described his unusual life. Let me start from the beginning.

He was very famous in Russia, but there is one thing that he always knew would not let him achieve his full potential. He was a religious Jew, he never worked on Friday or Saturday to keep Shabbos. Not many people knew that about him, but he always refused to work on Shabbos. This was in Soviet Russia, where a Jew was shunned, killed, and demeaned in all possible ways. He knew that if the fact that he is Jewish was publicized, nothing good would ever happen. So he decided to immigrate to the USA. Here he starred in many movies and earned a lot of money. Here he was free, and when he gave one of his only interviews he ever gave he said he came here for the religious freedom. The Soviets even went as far as cutting his name out of all the movie credits, just removing the name because if in those times you move to the USA you’re considered a traitor. He had a colorful life and it had many different occurrences. At the end he died of cancer.

Thinking of that, I recently had an argument with my friends. We were arguing is it worse to be a woman or a Jew. I honestly know the answer to the question, it is quite simple. The answer is unknown. There can never be an argument for which race or gender you are. There is no possible way to win because you cannot convince the other person of your own fault. You cannot convince someone that they’re wrong if they lived the whole life and lived enough to know their side of the story. That’s why I rarely argue over religious, racist, sexist conflicts. No one will win, so what’s the point. I always say it’s hard being this or that, but I rarely defend any point, unless it crosses a line.

Speaking of lines, being a Jew, I am tolerant of all religions, I really don’t care if you’re Hindu or a Muslim, or a Christian, if you are a good person, I will treat you as one. But I also think that one cannot demean a religion. That is why I often get angry at anti-Semites. They are often Christians, or Muslims, but they are all similar faiths! Didn’t you learn in schools about the Abrahamic religions? Judaism started it all, from that Jesus, who was a Jew, started a following which grew into Christianity and then Mohammed created Islam. Why would you hate your own people? Thinking about it if Judaism never existed, Christianity would be created. Stop blaming Jews for everything.

If you know me I am very tolerant to any racial, religious jokes, again unless they cross a line. You can laugh at me for say loving money, or having a long nose, but there’s always a limit. Hell, I often make Jew jokes cause I love laughing at myself.

And also please do not ever tell me that it’s worse being a woman than a Jew. Please don’t. I can give you so much more arguments. Because honestly tell me about another people who are constantly getting exterminated since the creation of the religion but are still alive to tell the story.

I am not very religious myself, although I often follow major holidays, I often fast, I sometimes keep Shabbos. But I don’t see that a religion can serve as a foundation of hate.

Just so you know I wrote this at night on Halloween, but for some reason the Internet is out, so the technician is coming tomorrow, so I can post this up.

Bottom line is, I really don’t care about Jew jokes and such, but if you start demeaning me because of my religion or even demeaning my religion, I will stand my ground. And consider the fact that I’m a pretty big guy, 6’0, 172, and even though I don’t resort to violence, if you anger me too much I will attack. I have never had to yet, and I want to keep it that way.

A Rabbi once told me, people always work on stereotypes, if they had been around a Jew for a long time, they will know what to expect from one, so you should always show the best of yourself and show that Jews are fun to be around. I think my friends would agree. And I think that if they ever happen to meet a Jew, they will think of him or her as a nice, funny and smart individual, and not the ever hated financial slob and villain stereotype that the anti-Semites created.

Also if you know me whenever there is a sexist slur, I often side with the women, just because I respect women much more than men. Women have to go through a lot, and that’s why a love them, because a woman has to put up with all of the shitake men do to them, their own natural occurrences, and yet they are still able to smile, live a happy life and even raise children and take care of a family. Guys on the other hand are asses looking for one thing. Women are the flowers of life, the beautiful, colorful, breathtaking occurrences within dull green grass. Honestly, if I had a choice to be a woman I would not take it. It is much rather to look at flowers, smell them, be amazed by them then to actually be one. That’s why I respect all women. That’s why I never hit a woman, and never will. We are the weaker sex, gentlemen, we cannot do the things that women do, and we cannot use our physical makeup as an advantage over the women. We are the weaker sex, at the sight of a skirt, a man can agree to almost anything. With a kiss we are ready to give the women all we got.

A long post…see what the lack of internet does to a person?

The Importance of Importance :D

2009-10-29T16:37:00.000-07:00

A thought came into my mind....I'm writing all of this...no one is reading it...so essentially I am writing a journal online....I still don't know if this is a good idea, but at least if I do this sometime in the future I can look back and say I am being honest, I am being trustworthy, and all of those things I mentioned....It's kinda like tips for a future relationship.
So if this is a true journal I can talk in introspective, sort of like a personal interview.

A question I hear often...Do you believe in love at first sight? My whole life I have said yes. I still do today, but what's interesting is that it wholly contradicts my thoughts on relationships. I always say that for a relationship to work you need friendship and trust, and in order to enforce that I have convinced myself that I will not go out with a girl unless I know her well enough to at least hold a decent conversation...well I'll even go as far as to say that I do not date girls unless I am good friends with them. Although I agree that many relationships start without a good friendship foundation, but I still stay true to my theory. So back to the question. If I believe that in order to love you need to be good friends I am wholly negating the fact that there exists love ONLY AT FIRST SIGHT. I really don't know if it does exist. Hell I don't know if love as we know it exists because I am not able to experience it firsthand. What I know is that all relationships are very fragile, but that's another entry.

I do however believe in true love. A love that is more vivid and great with every moment. A love that never dies. I think everyone has the opportunity for that kind of love, but some people tend to make the wrong decisions and maybe go for the looks, not the personality. Love, in its true definition, is everlasting. I can't imagine how you can love something or someone at one time and then entirely discard that love. Unless of course you have amnesia lol....If you loved in the first place, why can't you love now?

I bet you've heard the saying to love is to give. Well I'll tell you a secret, if you're the only one giving, then that's not love. One can define it as unrequited love. I believe there is no such thing. Love is mutual, if you love someone who doesn't love you back its a crush, its not love. Speaking of it, love is such an overused word nowadays. Many people say oh I love you blah blah even to their friends. To love is to have affectionate feelings for. IDK...Love implies so many wonderful things but when its used like that, its just negating its purpose. You know who I want to hear I love you from? SOMEONE WHO MEANS IT. I know too many people who say I love you and it means nothing for them. Being the paranoic person that I am, I can honestly say I do not think anyone actually loves me, or even anything close to that.....Yes, very pessimistic and even emo thought, but its one thing to say I love you and not mean it and actually to show love.

Anyways, I'm off topic, love is not to only give, the beauty of love is that you get many benefits from it. If you give, you will not enjoy the relationship, because love needs two sides not only one. Next time you see your loved one, let him or her know that they matter, that you love them just because they are great. The worst thing you can do to a person is to make him feel unimportant. That is actually the reason why I am sometimes pissed. I get annoyed when people think their time is more valuable than mine. A girl from yearbook was yelling at me for spending 10 minutes with my friend and then the same girl who was yelling left to get lunch and she was gone for 20 minutes. Bitch. Whatever....if you take away anything from this post its that you always have to show that you care, that your friend or your boyfriend or girlfriend or parent are special. Remind them that they are, in fact, important.

Honesty

2009-10-25T00:06:00.000-07:00

When we look at ourselves in introspective, we cannot possibly imagine anyone who would put up with us....Knowing yourself as much as you do, will probably lower your self esteem when it comes to dating and serious relationships. You know all of the flaws you have, and that makes you kind of vulnerable to the other person. What I am coming at (although from very far away) is that all good relationships are based on honesty. If you constantly lie to your lover, you will dig yourself a deeper hole every time.

Honesty does not mean telling her every single thing you did that day. It does not mean you should be telling her all the women you have looked at in your life or had erotic dreams about. There is always a limit as to what is considered rather private. This thin line between truth and privacy is very easily broken. You should not be telling your lover about an erotic dream you had about your co-worker or even about the size of the boobs of the weather lady. No...some things are better kept to yourself. Even though it is a thin line DO NOT ASSUME THAT EVERYTHING IN YOUR LIFE IS PRIVATE! You can easily share your feelings or secrets with the lover, but on the other hand you can't withhold all possible information. Know this thin line, and keep it intact.

Honesty is key to all relationships. You should be able to trust the other person, and trust goes with truth hand in hand.

This whole concept of honesty always makes me angry when I hear stuff that happens to some people. I cannot imagine a man having an affair with another woman and denying allegations of it in a trial. I don't know why anyone would ever cheat. It's such a low display of jealousy and short term physical fling. If there is love what is better to do than to talk it out with both of these guys, and work it out.

Maybe my ramblings don't make sense, don't mind it I'm writing this half asleep.
I used to write wonderful love letters at this hour, maybe even letters to make someone feel better, someone that I truly want to be happy....I still do...but not a lot. I have realized that even though I am trying to make her feel better, I'm fueled by the hope that still lives. Now I am convinced that there is no hope, and my situation is hopeless....This wouldn't be bothering me as much if I would have just talked to her...just a truthful conversation....

What is love?

2009-10-23T21:20:00.000-07:00

This is a question which is yet to be answered. The problem is that it doesn't have a definite answer. Every possibly interpretation of love is practical and probable.

I am more of a sentimental love guy, I tend to look in the future into the perfect date, the perfect wedding, the perfect family....Although I realize this perfectionism is not going to happen, I still hope I can make the best of it. I mean nothing is more pure and rewarding as love. It's exhilarating and it makes you forget everything in the world.

Although I am a skeptic, I have no doubts about the power of love. It can raise you up to the clouds, and it can also drain your soul. If you have not noticed, I am in the middle of one of these draining the soul phases. It hurts, but I can deal with it.

Anyways, love is holding someone close and whispering I love you! and knowing that she will answer back. The beauty of it is that you will KNOW she means it. and it will make you happy. There is nothing more in the world you need than to love and be loved. I personally know an example of a couple where the guy had many girlfriends and until he commited himself to a solely emotional rather than a physical relationship, he was truly happy....why? because he knew that every time he went to sleep, every time he woke up, his love was thinking about him. and dreaming about him. You can't buy this kind of love....

This takes me to the discrepancy between physical and emotional love. I have always strongly favored emotional love, just for its purity. It's not based on touching, it's not based on kissing, it's just the feelings two people can hold toward each other. PHYSICAL LOVE CAN MAKE THOSE FEELINGS OBSOLETE! Being a guy, I know that we all want one thing. There are a very small number of guys out there who can actually control this urge for sex, and instead of kissing and screwing around, they prefer the compassion, the friendship. THOSE ARE THE GUYS YOU SHOULD HOLD ON TO! I consider myself one of these guys, because sex at this point in my life means nothing to me. I'm not saying I don't want to do it, but relationships can't be based on that alone....

Friendships are based on trust. The ideal foundation for a good relationship is friendship. You cannot be dating a girl or guy who is not at all compatible with you, who is not your friend, but rather a fling. Going from that, if you do break up from a good relationship, than there was definitely some kind of friendship right? So why would you break off all contact with that person if the whole reason you like her was because she has a great personality and was a good friend? Be friends with your exes....in this world you need more friends then enemies....

I don't want to make this post very big, so I'm ending on this note. I will continue another day.

Kirillchik

The Beginning

2009-10-23T21:00:00.000-07:00

I want to start this blog right.

First of all, hi everyone, I am a high school student who has been brokenhearted for a while now. But that isn't the essence of this blog. Rather than bitching about how love maltreats me to my friends, I would rather write all of my posts in a well established journal or blog such as this.

Don't get me wrong, this is NOT an emo oh she broke my heart type of writing, it's more of a nostalgic and maybe even hopeful thoughts on love, anything about love.

Let me set up this blog by saying that I have been very close to a special girl for a while now, and she means the world to me. Besides being my love she is also my best friend. Furthermore, she has a loving boyfriend. So that makes it interesting doesn't it? :D

And she knows perfectly how I feel toward her, but she wants me to move on. So do most of the people who hear me out. They're not wrong...I should move on, but I can't. I'm not gonna go into details in this post, maybe later though.

Please enjoy this new blog of mine!
Kirillchik